For starters, phew. That felt good.
I’m so appreciative of the outflowing of support that I received after writing about my divorce. It’s amazing how our fear can build something up in the mind to the point where our anxiety about a certain outcome is worse than the actual outcome, and that was certainly true for me in this situation. I feel like I’m breathing a little lighter with that news out there. I believe that there is a big difference between secrets and privacy, and while I don’t think I owe anyone anything, I also think there is freedom for me personally in walking in the light. And while I was hiding my divorce, I could not do that in this space.
I think that’s why I’ve been so quiet here on the blog. It was just too hard to write anything of substance while stepping around the biggest part of my life, so I just kind of stopped writing at all. Except for the sponsored posts. Those kind of had to keep coming. Thank you for your patience, because I know more than anyone how annoying that can be. I’ve heard many complaints over the last year that my blog had dwindled down to sponsored posts and trust me, no one was more bothered by that fact than me. There will still be some coming, but I’m hoping my regular writing will be more frequent than the “commercial breaks” and that you can bear with me.
While I looked at many other job options for myself in the past year, including going back into private practice, the truth is that there are no options that I could find that would allow me to maintain my current income without going back to a pretty rigorous 9 to 5 outside the home. And given all of the changes that have happened over the last year, I wanted to continue being able to work from home and pick my kids up from school. I do feel very blessed that I am in the position to work for myself, and with a flexible schedule. While sometimes “flexible schedule” looks a little more like “working all the time until I fall asleep,” I think it has been good for the kids to have me at home. So, blogging will remain my job for the foreseeable future, and while this clearly posed some challenges as my personal life imploded, I also continue to be incredibly grateful that it’s something I get to do for a living, because I really do love it. I just didn’t love it for a while when things were so messy that I couldn’t even form a sentence.
I’m probably going to be writing a lot about divorce and coparenting, because I’ve felt a bit muzzled for the last year and I have SO MUCH TO SAY . . . about how we shame people who have had a divorce, about divorce in Christian circles, about how friends can make things better or they can make things harder, about coparenting, and even about our legal system and how it makes divorce so contentious. I also want to write a bit more about friendship, because one hard lesson I’ve learned in the past few years is that supportive friendships are vital and life-giving. I think that for women in my age and stage, it’s so easy for that to get put to the back as we try to juggle our marriage, our work and our kids. It did for me for a while, and by the grace of God just as my marriage was on it’s last leg, I found myself surrounded with strong and loyal women. (I also found some friendships were not as loyal, and that’s a story for another time as well.)
Speaking of loyal friends, I have to thank the girlfriends who held my feet to the fire to write that post and finally hit publish. They read it and helped me edit, listened to my fears about it, and pushed me to go live when I was not feeling brave. They knew, before I did, how much I needed to do it. And I love friends who can call me on my bullshit when I make excuses or create narratives that are based in fear.
Let’s see, what else is new? I’m currently in the middle of a remodel. It feels like I’ve been in a remodel for, like, ever, between this house and the previous one. But there is a cost for divorce, and this has been one for me. We could not afford the old house as a divorced couple, and we sold it and split the proceeds. The kids and I moved back into a house that we lived in when the kids were little, but is just too small for the 5 of us now that the boys are man-sized. So I’m adding two bedrooms. Fortunately, the architect drew it up so that most of the main house is untouched, so that we can live here while it’s happening.
We are finding our new rhythm. The kids live with me predominantly but they do overnights at Mark’s and he sees them quite a bit. We live very close. We will still do our Christmas Eve brunch with friends. We will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning together. I’m incredibly grateful that Mark and I manage to do the holidays together so that neither of us have to be away from the kids on those days. The kids see that we are still a family, albeit a little different. And we are.
Thanks, again, for the outpouring of support this weekend. It meant more than you can ever know.
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing. Wishing all the best for your exciting future.
Happy to have you back 🙂
Thank you for these posts. I am in a similar situation, separated nearly three years but still do a lot of things together with our son. In fact, I know there are people we see regularly who have no idea and sometimes that is frustrating to me. But once you've let a lot of time pass it's kind of hard to go around and announce it. It was hard enough the first time I had to tell people. Hoping you will have some great ideas for coping, as a former counselor, because I know that is something I am still working on.
So mundane, but i hope you have affordable health insurance for yourself as a self-employed person. I guess Mark could cover the kids if he has a job with insurance. Maybe your options are better there in Cal than where I live.
I'm excited to see the house renovations. While I know how annoying it must be renovating again, I love following all your design choices! I'm totally sold on Vinyl plank flooring from your posting about it. I can't get my husband on board, though.
Thanks for sharing Kristen! As a fellow therapist, I'm proud of you and how you've dealt with this. XXOO
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but I am looking forward to reading everything you write about divorce in the future. I’m in the middle of some big marital struggles (only 2.5 years in) and feeling so many of the things you’ve described. Thank you for your vulnerability and strength. I hope I can learn from you.
So much love to you.
I have thought of you often the past week. Glad you are feeling some peace.
Welcome back! Thank you for being so open, brave, and vulnerable! No doubt you’ve blessed a lot of people by the things you’ve shared!
Thank you for writing this, lots of similarities to my situation and my feelings about coparenting. Really looking forward to future posts on this topic
Love, love, love reading this!! Although, I had no doubt you’d be back and trust me the world is better with your words in it so I for one am delighted that you’ll be continuing in this space. I got a good chuckle at man sized kids bc I’m totaling feeling like our space has shrunk with our three boys getting bigger (while our grocery budget has increased exponentially) ?
We did what you all are doing. Slow, measured, gentle, and honest. Nearly 5 years later, we're good. The kid is good. And we have emerged from the transition peacefully coexisting.
Thank you for sharing. I had noticed a change in the blog — it seemed kinda perfunctory. But now it all makes sense. I look forward to reading more about your family in this new stage, and hope writing here provides a supportive outlet. <3
I really appreciate your honesty. Can't wait for all that is yet to come about divorce and co-parenting! I am still in the thick of it and it's quite the journey. x
It looks like you're doing this hard hard thing as well as it can be done. It's good to have you back.
I'm glad you are able to pull together for your kids. My parents tried for a little while, but never to the extent of doing holidays together. After a few years, they couldn't even agree who was responsible for what bill if my brother or I needed to see a doctor. My SIL and her ex coparent in a friendly way so I've seen it done well, but it's hard to do.
As someone who is now navigating the waters of divorce, shame, and reconciling my new life with Christian teachings, I cannot wait to hear your thoughts on these topics. Your strength in all this is amazing. Wishing you all the best!
Glennon Doyle, Elizabeth Gilbert, now you… As much as divorce sucks, to be in the company of such smart, brave, empathetic, and talented women who have also divorced is very comforting to me. Heck, even Cheryl Strayed is on her second marriage! They found good love again and so will we. It will not suck like this forever. I strongly believe that children should not be raised in households with parents who are unhappy with each other long-term. Sometimes the best choice is the hardest choice. Thank you for your honesty.