um, oops || On Thursdays I post from the vault. This post is from January 2009.

On Thursdays I post from the vault. This post is from January 2009. 

Earlier this evening, a car alarm started going off on our street. This happens several times a week. For some reason, the multi-generational family across the street feels it necessary to protect their large fleet of mid-90’s sedans with blaring sirens. ‘Cause our suburb is so ghetto and all. I am ever annoyed by this and every time it happens, I feel like marching right over there and telling them to turn the alarm off already, NO ONE WANTS TO STEAL YOUR OLD BEAT-UP CAR.

So when the alarm started blaring tonight, of course I was seething. It seemed to be going on forever. My kids thought it was awesome. They were dancing to the rhythm and acting like they were at a rave or something. It just kept going and going. I’m getting more and more incensed. Why aren’t they shutting it off?

Then I notice India is using my keys as a “noisemaker” in her dancing reverie. Wait, those don’t look like my keys . . . my keys don’t have a remote control . . . whose keys are those? Oh yeah, my inlaws left their car here.

Oh wait.

Crap.

I am the annoying neighbor who is failing to turn off the car alarm.

I walked outside and, I kid you not, half of the family across the street is standing outside glaring at me.

Um, oops?

Wednesday’s Child: Eli

Every Wednesday I feature a child recently highlighted by a local Wednesday’s Child newscast to share the stories of children from around the country who are waiting for a family. My hope is that this can broaden exposure for the children highlighted, but also serve as a reminder that these children represent thousands of children currently in the foster-care system. Perhaps their stories will inspire you to consider opening your home to a child needing a family. For more information and to learn about other waiting children, visit AdoptUsKids.

Favorite Body Products: Selfie, Episode 70

 

In this episode, we are talking about all of favorite body products . . . from body washes to bath salts, from legs to lady bits.

In this episode we discussed:

Body Moisturizers:

Body Washing/shaving armpits:

Shaving legs:

Washing your lady bits:

Chest:

Deodorant:

Bath:

Super Dry Skin:

For problem patches:

Hand soap:

For dry hands:

Life Lately

Mother of the year award right here. Just left my 9-year-old at home alone without saying a word to her. 😳😂 She DID go to her friend’s earlier. And then came home and told me said friend wasn’t home – a fact I completely forgot as I left to pick up the boys from church.

View this post on Instagram

 

Excellence at getting the bouncy thing into the hoop thing.

A post shared by Kristen Howerton (@kristenhowerton) on


In the spirit of keeping things real: the past 24 hours have been maybe the worst with my kids ever. The teenage years are here to kick ass and take names. But tonight I took them to dinner and gave them little gifts and told them how much I loved them and I meant it, and I guess that’s what true love really is … showing up and loving fiercely, even when you don’t feel like it. And then grounding them. Also that.

The Howerton kids see every holiday as an excuse to make cupcakes …

Romantic love is amazing. It is intoxicating and exhilarating and exciting and comforting. It is also optional. It is a lovely and life-affirming experience to be in love, but it is not the air we breathe. A reminder today to be grateful for the many kinds of love you find yourself in, but that in the absence of certain manifestations of love, you are still enough.

Accidentally used the kids’ “purple depositing shampoo” thinking it was my “purple toning shampoo” so I guess I will be rocking purple highlights for a few days. 😳😂

A Dream Deferred || On Thursdays I post from the vault. This post is from January 2009

On Thursdays I post from the vault. This post is from January 2009

I’ve been looking forward to this week for a while now, when our country will usher in an African American president and change the landscape, widening the dreams for all children. I know tomorrow Mark and I will watch Martin Luther King historic speech , our yearly tradition, and reflect on the signficance of Dr. King’s dreams being closer and closer to fulfilled.

But today I also have a dream, and some disappointment that makes this time bittersweet.

This week, Mark and I learned that a young boy a few months older than Jafta is still in need of an adoptive family. We’ve known him for a long time through our agency in East LA, and he is a sweet boy who I desperately want to see in an adoptive home. He has been passed through 4 foster families this year. When I heard he still didn’t have a permanent home, I decided to call the social worker at the local agency we used. It’s the biggest foster family agency in Orange County, and they only accept Christian couples. I thought surely a phone call could help identify a few potential families.

I’m sorry“, I’m told. “We have no famliies right now who are open to an African American child“.

NO. FAMILIES.

I know adoption is not for everyone. I know transracial adoption is not for everyone. But in a large agency full of Christian couples ready to open their homes to a child . . .

not one couple checked “open to any race”???

I know I talk a lot about adoption, but this is not just an adoption issue. This is not something only transracially adoptive families should be bummed about. This should give all of us pause about the state of our nation, and the prejudices that still have a hold on us. Shouldn’t we all be unsettled that “the least of these” are being rejected based on the color of their skin?

In the words of Martin Luther King:

“Now is the time to make justice a reality for ALL of God’s children.

.

.

I have a dream: that Black children waiting for families will be accepted into a loving home, without fear or prejudice, because they deserve a family as much as any other child on earth.

I have a dream: that some day the troubling statistics about the number of minority children in foster care and group homes waiting for families, in comparison to the number of families waiting for Caucasian children, will become something we shudder at as a sad part of our nation’s history.

A Dream Deferred

by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore– And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over– like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Wednesday’s Child: Toni & Leitrai

Every Wednesday I feature a child recently highlighted by a local Wednesday’s Child newscast to share the stories of children from around the country who are waiting for a family. My hope is that this can broaden exposure for the children highlighted, but also serve as a reminder that these children represent thousands of children currently in the foster-care system. Perhaps their stories will inspire you to consider opening your home to a child needing a family. For more information and to learn about other waiting children, visit AdoptUsKids.

Let’s Talk About (Not Wanting) Sex

I’ve partnered with the #righttodesire campaign to bring awareness to female Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder

I’ve been talking about sex more this month than I think I ever have online, and it’s been really eye-opening to see how much other women are wanting to talk about it as well. Sarah and I announced we were doing an episode on low sexual desire a couple weeks ago and our podcast facebook community lit up with comments and questions from women who experience low sex drive. (If you want to read through that conversation, you can join the closed Selfie community here. It’s a great space for asking questions and getting feedback in a more intimate setting than regular facebook.) Here are a few of the comments women had:

I think it would be helpful for me if you address when one partner has low desire and one VERY high, and how to come to terms with that so neither party feels uncared for or less valuable. It’s a drag to feel like you’re letting your partner down or form them to feel like they’re not desirable or that you don’t love them in the way they feel loved.

Sexual desire for women is usually more emotionally tied. Women are often denied the space and capacity for it. I think male partners who are failing at the sex game are those that are willfully ignorant to this fact.

I think if I had someone helping with life, I’d feel like having sex. LOL As in, a wife for me! Ha. My issue is being a parent to four kids, working a lot, taking care of a house and I can’t switch back into “me” mode. All of that other stuff is so not sexy. Trying to do lots of self-care and put date nights on the calendar but it’s harrrrrd.

You can listen to the episode where we talk through these comments and more hereI also did a facebook live with my friend Gabby Blair where we talked about the same thing.

One of the things that emerged from my discussion with Gabby is the fact that having a low sex drive does not necessarily mean you have Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. HSDD is a defined medical condition with biological components. It’s the most common form of sexual dysfunction in women, and it’s been recognized in medical communities for nearly half a century. But it isn’t a blanket description for all women who have low sex drive, and it’s important to note that if a woman has a low sex drive and feels fine about that fact, that’s okay! One of the markers of defining HSDD is that a person has subjective distress about their low sex drive . . . they are dissatisfied with it, and for most women with the disorder, they have had times in their past where they were more satisfied with their sexual appetite. The essential feature of female HSDD is a deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity that causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty. Desire is not a switch, desire is in the brain, and your brain may be working against you when it comes to sex.

The following are some of the symptoms of HSDD:

  • You experience low sexual desire no matter the type of sexual activity.
  • Your lower sexual desire or lower interest in sex is bothering you.
  • Your level of sexual desire or interest in sex has decreased.
  • You were satisfied in the past with your level of sexual desire or interest in sex, but no longer are

Lack of sexual desire can have a biological basis. Multiple studies show the brain controls desire differently in women with a healthy sexual desire with women with HSDD. And there is ample science behind this: brain scans show markedly less activity in areas of the brain that are important in sexual response for women who suffer with HSDD. While these studies have revealed there is a biological connection to HSDD, a medical provider can diagnose HSDD with a few simple questions. The problem is that many doctors have not been educated in HSDD, and most aren’t even asking. If you want to a doctor well-versed in HSDD, the Right to Desire website as a telemedicine component that can allow you to talk with a qualified doctor who gets it.

It is estimated that 1 in 10 women suffer from HSDD, and those numbers certainly seemed consistent in the conversations I’ve been having. If you want to learn more, check out the Right to Desire website, watch the funny but informative video below, or listen to our Selfie Podcast episode on HSDD.

 

 

Let’s Talk About (Not Wanting) Sex | Selfie Episode 69

Low sex drive . . . it seems to be a thing that affects many women from time to time. But how do you know when it’s really a problem? We are talking about Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, the medical condition that many women (and even doctors) are not familiar with, and why the Right to Desire Campaign wants to get the word out. We also talk about what couples can do when their appetites for sex don’t match up, and how women who want to boost their sex drive can seek help.

In this episode we mention:

Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash