Let’s talk about boundaries vs. ultimatums

You can learn a lot about relational health from watching The Bachelor.

Okay, that’s not exactly true. I don’t watch it for life lessons. I’m been watching for years because it’s pure, cringey, schadenfreude escapism. But there are so many times I am yelling back at the screen because what’s happening in the show is such a blatant example of relational immaturity.

In this particular season, there was a young woman named Maddie who is very religious, and who has made the decision to wait until she’s married to have sex. Pete, on the other hand, has not. On one of their dates Maddy informs Pete that while she loves him, if he were to sleep with one of the other women on the show, that’s a dealbreaker for her. Cue the other girls, and Pete’s family, outraged that Maddie would give him an “ultimatum.”

Now I’m not here to talk about The Bachelor or the smarmy situation of the fantasy suites I mean, I am available to talk about these things but that’s not the point of this post. The point of this post is that this bought up a very common misinterpretation of the concept of a boundary.

It is a perfectly acceptable practice to communicate a standard you have in a relationship and then to articulate what YOU will do if that standard is not met. The difference between a boundary and an ultimatum is this: an ultimatum communicates what you will do to someone else. A boundary communicates what YOU will do.

One reason that I think a lot of people struggle with boundaries (and this is especially true for women) is that we’ve been made to feel like setting a boundary is rude or mean. And this is often supported when people use words like “threats” or “ultimatums” that hold some negative value. These are things mean people do is the implication. And we’ve been socialized to be kind, so we struggle to hold boundaries because they feel unkind. And because people like Peter’s mom shame us into thinking our boundary is manipulative. It is never manipulative to article what we will do if something happens, and then to do that thing.  Again, a boundary is about what WE will do, not a threat of what we will do to someone else. And if other people get mad because we hold to a boundary we clearly communicated, we don’t have to take that responsibility and that does not make us problematic or indicate a “red flag.”  Anyone who thinks that someone who holds a boundary is a red flag is probably flying their own.