graphic by the hilarious Jessi Sanfilippo

Short shorts are all the rage this season. They are paired with flowing tops, they are deconstructed and ripped, and they are short enough to reveal both pocket linings and butt cheeks. I have seen them sported everywhere from the beach to Disneyland to my local taco stand, and no doubt it is What The Kids Are Wearing These Days. But not all fashion trends have to be observed. And I’m not sure this one should be. Of course, everyone is free to wear what they want. But can I make some humble suggestions of things to consider before you pop on those micro-shorts and head out the door?

1. Have you really looked at yourself in the mirror from behind? This is important. I fear that there are some women who may not even realize that the fleshy circular part of their ass is showing as they walk in these short shorts. Informed consent, ladies. Do you really want your butt cheeks to be showing? If not, you better make sure you’ve got a full length mirror and have inspected from all angles.

2, Are you going somewhere that people will be eating? Because some of you are showing the same amount of surface area that would touch a toilet seat. If you are walking into a restaurant and the fabric of your shorts ends less than two inches from where you poop, I’m gonna need you to sit on a towel for hygiene reasons. I do not want to sit in a chair that was previously occupied by someone who’s crotch fabric covers less square inches than a maxi-pad. 

3. Are you going to be around children? Because if so, they are going to make fun of you. I mean, I might make fun of you too, but I’m going to be discreet about it. The children aren’t. Case in point, if you decide to go to a skating rink and it coincides with a school fundraiser so there are a number of children around, once the children see your butt, they will be 100% focused on your butt for the rest of the evening. They will not be interested in races or prizes or their friends. They will be completely overcome with the impulse to talk about your butt, look at your butt, point at your butt, and laugh loudly about your butt. This particular skate night will forever be known as “that one time we all saw a lady’s butt.” Ask me how I know.

4. Have you inspected how things look with a full range of motion? I’m not just talking a quick glance over your shoulder as you look in the mirror at your cute butt. Have you seen how things look when you walk? When you bend down? When you sit? When someone is sitting directly across from you? Again, give yourself the gift of information before you give it to the rest of the world.

5. Do you currently have butt acne? No need to be ashamed. It’s a normal phenomenon. But I do sometimes wonder, when I’m walking behind girls in short shorts and an unfortunate pimple flare up in the folds of their cheeks, if they have any idea what is going on back there. It might be time to put things away and use a little BP wash for a few days.

6. Do you have any hair that needs to be groomed? I should not have to explain this one. But observational experience tells me I do. In addition to looking at a full-length mirror, you might also want to check things out in full sun. Even blonde hair glistens. Enough said.

7. Are you comfortable with people stealthily taking your photo to post it on Instagram? Because that is going to happen. It might be some Gen-X moms because we they want to mock you to our their friends. Or it might be teenaged boys, for other reasons. But know that wearing shorts that show your ass will result in approximately 4-7 posts of your ass to Instagram, depending on the amount of cheek showing.

These are just some little considerations to ponder before you hit the world in your hotpant shorts. But if you look at the list and still feel confident about showing the world your half-moon underside, then go for it! We won’t judge you.*

*yes we still will