1. Load the car up with every baby gear item in your home to the point that you cannot see out of the back window.

2. Under the children’s feet, stuff bags of food from your own kitchen so you don’t have to eat out the entire trip.

3. Find a creative way to breastfeed your baby in the car without having to stop your three-car caravan and make your friends wait on a nursing session

4. Leave the kids in the car while checking in so the resort staff won’t see you have one more child than the “maximum capacity” per room.

5. Upon arrival at 10pm, let the kids scream and run around the resort to get their road-trip energy out

6. Get a visit from a security guard at 10:30pm informing you there have been nine, yes NINE complaint calls to the front desk about your family.

7. Jerry-rig blackout fabric that you keep in your suitcase to cover every window because you are on vacation and you want to sleep past the crack of dawn.

8. Turn the radios on in every room to a static station, in the hopes that the white noise will drown out the noise of those nine lame hotel guests around you who were trying to sleep at 10pm and will therefore likely wake you up at 6am.
9. Put the pack-and-play in the closet because that baby breathes way too loud to be in a room with anyone else.

10. Forget your children’s toothbrushes and shampoo, and then act like it was a big major oversight since OF COURSE they would have been used if remembered.

11. Tell the kids that the pool is their bath for the next few days. When dreadlocks form on your daughter’s hair, begin to reconsider that decision.

12. When visiting the pool, forget the pool key EVERY TIME so you have to knock and beg for some other hotel guest to let you in.

13. After your baby swims, take off that swim diaper, inspect for poop, and if clean, lay in the sun to dry for use the next time you swim. Those things are expensive.

14. Empty the contents of all of the complimentary spices in the kitchen into a large bowl, dredge your chicken through it, put it on the grill, and name the dish after the resort.

15. Take a stroll at dusk out onto the golf course, letting the kids run and chase frogs, and when the sprinklers come on, watch them run gleefully through the water while trying hard not to think about those warning signs about the water being “reclaimed”.

16. Don’t want to pay $50 for your son to play golf? Just sneak onto the course behind the hotel when no one is around.