Rage Against The Minivan

Not Fair People

I took my kids to the fair today, in a rare moment of sponteneity and self-sacrifice (being usually rather controlling and self-serving). I’ve always hated the fair, and let’s just say that going alone with three small children did not make the heart grow fonder. Lots of fun stuff to write about, but I am exhausted. So for now, I will repost my feelings from last year’s fair. Which have not changed. In the least.

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I am going to say some things in this post that may not be nice. My sentiments here are shallow at best. Juvenile even. But we’ve been to the fair this week, and I need to process. If my mocking of all things carny is going to bother you, skip down to my nice post where I reflect on social justice. Or go read this, or look at these pretty pictures.

You’re still here? Well don’t say I didn’t warn you.
So the fair. Yeah. The bottom line is this:
WE ARE NOT FAIR PEOPLE
The trouble is, we live right next to the Orange County Fairgrounds. We can barely leave our house during two months each summer without passing by the gruesome eyesore that is the Orange County Fair. And my children, like mosquitos drawn to the garish flourescent light of the bug zapper, turn into zombies who must go to the fair or die.
The are many other awesome aspects of living a block from the fair: the increase in burglary, the insane amounts of traffic, and the hordes of flies who come to hover about the fair food and livestock and then get bored and make their way into my kitchen to spread the germ love around. And, of course, the unavoidable meltdown every time you drive by and the kids see colorful rides and bright lights and they want to go RIGHT NOW. So every summer, we relent.
Certain reality shows on the Bravo network may have given you the impression that all people in Orange County look like this:

If you have been so influenced to think that we live in the land of beautiful people, I encourage you to visit the fair to witness The OC at it’s finest. There is still plenty of silicone here, to be sure. But there is also lots and lots of cellulite squeezed into spandex and tube tops, and shirtless people in jeans, and bad teeth, and I’m pretty sure I saw a pregnant lady smoking a cigarrette.
And there’s this lady:

. . . who thinks that leather pants and spikey heels are a good idea for walking a mile from the parking lot in 96 degree heat. I don’t want to think about how sweaty she’s gotta be under those pants. You are welcome for that visual.
But the insanity of the fair does not stop there. Witness people dropping hordes of money trying to win toys that would be $3 at Target. And the food. I’ve never seen so many fried options in my life. Fried twinkies, even. And if you have a child with you, there is really no way to avoid it. (Especially since they check your bag when you arrive, in case you were trying to smuggle in a carrot or something). Here’s a picture of my kids eating some transfat-covered potatoes and thinking they are in heaven.

But the scariest part of the fair has got to be riding in gravity-defying contraptions that were just disassembled from LA’s County Fair last week and reassembled with an allen wrench by a guy who looks like this:
Because who doesn’t want to put their life into the hands of a high school drop-out who cooks meth in a trailer out behind the 4-H exhibit?

((((((oh, wow, Kristen, that’s so mean. how could you judge this guy so harshly? you don’t know if he does drugs. ))))))
Sure. And Paula Abdul is just really, really tired.

Comments

  1. Bayard says

    Love your family, such beautiful pics.Lovely pics! I think you guys should have a go have a go at making some your very own skittle game – cheap, lots of fun making them and even more playing – see how many you knock down! http://www.discoveryboxbooks.com/ Have fun with friends and family this summer

  4. Lisa says

    Okay that was really funny and sadly ALL so true! It doesn't matter where you live in this beautiful country of ours either, a fair is a fair and they can keep them all according to me! Oh, I feel the same way about the circus, monster truck shows, drag races, washed up 80's bands concerts, and free movie nights at the park!!

  6. This Mama says

    Oh my word this post made me howl.
    So true, so true. Not really a big carnie person myself. Nothing like stuffing yourself full of greasy friend food and then getting hurled around in some rickety contraption. Your post pretty much summed up my feelings on them as well. The only one we will go to is this one that is basically a traditional farm fair. Mainly we go for the animals.

    I was *just* reading Rose a Garfield book and it had a page dedicated to your sentiments.

  7. Jessica D. says

    Get out! That was so stinking hilarious and DEAD ON! My special favorite was the "putting your kids in the hands of the guys cooking meth in a trailer behind the 4H building. You are SO FUNNY! I hope you write a book someday, I will be the first in line for it!

  8. Candis says

    I'm with Jessica D. You write it and I'll buy.
    And about the fair Down There (behind the Orange Curtain, as my baby bro calls it), that it precisely why I loooove the rustic little Ventura County Fair, whose fairgrounds are right on the beach. You can watch the dolphins AND the pig races at the same time.
    And, ummmm, we don't do the rides for exactly the reason you posted. For some reason only furloughed cons are allowed to operate the complex mechanical devices our beloved children ride on. WUWT?

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