Rage Against The Minivan

The filter is off

So for those of you who leave comments, you may notice that as of last week, I took the “comment moderation” feature off. I put in on about a year ago, because I had gotten some nasty comments and felt like I needed to edit them. Most of the comments were from anonymous people and were negative about the fact that we are adopting transracially. There were comments like, “are you adopting Black children because it’s trendy?”, or statements about how Jafta would be better off with his African American birth family, etc etc etc.

I used to really have a hard time with those comments, and would ruminate over them and let it really get to me. So much so that I put the filter on my blog, which felt a little weird. But lately, I think I’ve just developed a thicker skin. Or maybe more confidence. Because the truth is, comments like that just don’t bother me anymore. I’ve read it all by this point, if not on my blog, then on someone else’s. And I realize that statements like that are just made of pure ignorance or resentment (and usually from people who are doing very little to actually solve the orphan problem). It just rolls right off my back. Like someone saying “Los Angeles is south of Orange County”. Um, no, that’s just not true. I can’t argue with crazy.

I will not use specifics to defend myself on that stuff, because I refuse to throw my son’s birth family under the bus to tell off a couple of strangers. If Jafta ever wants to tell the story of why he was removed from their care, it’s his story to tell. But suffice it to say . . . he’s better off. Is he going to struggle a bit with his racial identity being raised in a family that looks different from him? Yeah. Probably. And yet he’s still better off than he would be in the situation he came from. Might Keanan lose some of his cultural identity leaving Haiti and coming to live with a family in the US? Yeah. For sure. I will do the best I can to help my kids grieve those losses, and I’m not blind to the fact that all the love in the world will not put a band-aid on that. But when we look at the hiearchy of needs for a child’s development, things like safety, family, stability, love, attention, and care are more important than race. While there are still children growing up without family, all this talk of preserving cultural identity by leaving kids in foster care or a hostile environment or an orphanage, is kind of like offering a homeless person a pretty sofa when what they need is a house.

So the filter is off. And if some crazy folks want to start leaving comments, I will just ignore and delete. Because until we figure this thing out and every child has the basic human right to a loving parent, I don’t want to hear about it.

Comments

  5. Ricky says

    I will not use specifics to defend myself on that stuff, because I refuse to throw my son’s birth family under the bus to tell off a couple of strangers. If Jafta ever wants to tell the story of why he was removed from their care, it’s his story to tell. But suffice it to say . . . he’s better off. Is he going to struggle a bit with his racial identity being raised in a family that looks different from him? Yeah. Probably. And yet he’s still better off than he would be in the situation he came from. Might Keanan lose some of his cultural identity leaving Haiti and coming to live with a family in the US? Yeah.

  8. Troy & Tara Livesay says

    woot …. i did this too recently (stopped moderating) …freeing —

    anonymous comments are just gutless weirdos not willing to stand up for their own stinkin thoughts — as Troy says when we get a nasty one “it is a very small thing” 🙂

    Cannot wait for us to hang out in Haiti together sometime this year!

  10. Candis says

    Yeah, we hear stuff like that too, except in our case it’s usually, “Aren’t you guys a little old for…?” Okay, we are older. And your point????
    Then we’ve had the, “That’s not your kid, huh? He’s a lot darker than you are.” WTF?! And we’ve had this comment from Latinos, white, and black folks. (And I’m AA!)
    To hell (so to speak) with all of ’em. If they ain’t in the trenches loving and creating a home for a child who needs and deserves one, they need to STFU. My skin has been thick for a loooong time. I love you guys.

  11. Rachel says

    Hats of to you; Jafta will grow up and be so proud to call you his mom. You and your hubby are making a difference.

    Your so right about the jealousy thing…or they are just plain ignorant.

  12. Jodie Howerton says

    Oh, sister, AMEN and AMEN and AMEN.

    Your family is amazing. You are amazing parents. Jafta is an amazing kid. Keanan is an amazing kid. India is an amazing kid. What I’m thrilled about is the fact that GOD has adopted ALL of us into HIS family….

    Go ahead and leave the crazy comments. I’m happy to rip the crazies a new one….

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