Okay, so I’ve gone over to the dark side, and been totally sucked into the Twighlight series. Yeah, that’s right, the vampire books for high school girls. I’m on book 3, and despite my initial judgement, turns out I’m really enjoying it. Yes, it’s adolescent literature. Yes, it’s pretty much chic-lit porn for mormons. But somewhow, between the descriptions of Edward’s velvety voice and chiseled muscles, there is a really really good story.
WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS ABOUT THE BOOK THAT IS CURRENTLY EATING THE MOMMY BLOGOSPHERE, TWILIGHT. If you haven’t read it and don’t want it spoiled, stop reading. O.k.?……O.K.
Jessica (who I found through Stephanie) just confessed her true feelings about Twilight, and because of her bravery, I am ready to come out of the closet. I read it last week. EVERYONE I know has read it, and most of them loved it. Since I’m a total romantic sap, I was expecting to love it too. You guys… I SO didn’t get it. I thought it was very meh, starting with the main character, Bella (otherwise known as the Queen of Meh). (Ooooh, do you hear that sound? It’s me, getting delisted from 50 Twilight loving blogs at once. But I CANNOT BE SILENCED.)
Ugh. She was so boring and stilted and dead inside. I kind of wanted to slap her. My theory is that Bella actually has Aspergers Syndrome and also a really bad inner ear infection that destroyed her sense of balance. Because, come on. She can’t consistently WALK without falling? She should go see a specialist or something, right? Why didn’t she do that? Why didn’t her parents have her checked out?She was very annoying and I didn’t get the whole martyr thing. She’s on a date with a guy who has admitted that he isn’t all that sure whether or not he’s going to SLAUGHTER her as the capper to their date, and she thinks it’s exciting and romantic? The girl has some serious issues. I thought she was dull. I didn’t get why Edward would be interested in her in the least. I mean, other than his preference for her biological fluids. Which seems kind of a shaky basis for a romance. Plus, she kept reminding us how he was all cold and dead. Gross.
And then there was Edward himself. Pompous, stilted, fatally unhip Edward. I get that the author was going for a 1911 language vibe, but come on. He hasn’t been in a COMA for the last hundred years, he’s been hanging out in high school. I don’t know if it’s a good thing when the romantic lead reminds you of Kelsey Grammar. Or rather, would remind you of Kelsey Grammar if Bella weren’t constantly reminding us about his topaz eyes and his muscled chest. Did you know he had topaz eyes and a muscled chest? Because he did have topaz eyes and a muscled chest. Did you pick up on that? It was subtle, you might not have caught it. I hated how he told her what to do all the time. He was so controlling and kind of ambivalent about whether or not he was going to eat her. I was like, dude, take a stand. Just go ahead and eat her, put us all out of our misery. But he didn’t. (Maybe that’s book three, I don’t know.) There was no build-up to their romance. One day he hated her (because he was trying not to eat her), and the next day they were both in TRUE TRUE LOVE with extra stalking. I thought the whole watching outside her window thing was incredibly creepy. If he was human, Bella would be filing restraining orders all over the place. I think the main thing that annoys me is this: I don’t like it when the heroine is stupid. And Bella is. If I knew my boyfriend was a serial killer, and he invited me to come over and look at his knife collection, and I said yes, would that be amazingly romantic? Or just kind of stupid? But Bella repeatedly says she doesn’t care if he kills her, because she loves him. Wuh?? Wuh in the wuh wuh?
I also didn’t understand why her dad wasn’t raising holy hell about letting her see Edward at the end. If my daughter freaked out after a fight with her creepy boyfriend, took off, disappeared and then reappeared with said creepy boyfriend in Phoenix, where she just happened to fall through a window and end up in the hospital – I don’t think I would be encouraging my daughter to continue to date him. You know? Is it just me? Is her Dad supposed to be delayed?
Jessica thought it got better near the end, but I didn’t. It was like Stephanie Meyer got tired of writing about their romance and just threw in a random evil vampire. Random characters who hop in late in the novel – not so scary. (I thought it would have been more scary if they would have pulled in the space vampire from Buck Rogers. Because that episode gave me nightmares for YEARS.)I get it, some people like the whole bad guy thing, the whole “my love makes you dangerous” vibe. I guess I can sort of see it. I mean picture it, if you were married to someone completely sexless, like Mitt Romney or something, fantasizing about dangerous-romantic-vampires might be just the ticket. But for ordinary women? What is the appeal?
This is all completely accurate. All of it. And yet . . . I can’t put it down.
And then I found this youtube video. This is probably only funny if you’ve read the book. And even then, it’s not that funny. But I enjoyed it:
And lastly, I just had to share this photo I captured of my husband last night. He will kill me when he finds out I posted this. But since he only reads my blog like once a month, we can all have a chuckle at his expense for a few weeks. Sorry babe!
I’m not sure which part is funnier: the fact that he was so curious that he decided to read it, or the fact that it put him to sleep.
Anway, come Friday night, a group of us will be standing in line with half the teenaged girls in The OC to see the movie version. Bonnie, I blame you for starting all of this!! 🙂
Hi, I’m Kristen. I’m a mom of four kids via birth and adoption and a writer living in Southern California. Read More.