Yep, that’s right. I’m feeling nauseous, tired, and yucky, and it’s not giardia this time! We are excited, nervous, elated, scared, freaked, and most of all . . . shocked.
In case you don’t know my history, this is my 7th pregnancy. I have two kids, and only one came out of my own va-jay-jay. So if you do the math, you can see that most of my pregnancies have not had happy endings.
I have a condition that the medical community refers to as “recurrent spontaneous abortion“. Now this title seriously makes my skin crawl, and if I had the energy and gumption I ought to petition the medical board to call it something else. I hate that this term is written all over my medical records because I’ve had so many miscarriages. It makes it sound like I am this impulsive woman who keeps running out and getting abortions on a whim, over and over again.
“Omigosh, ya’ll, last night I went out and got another abortion. I didn’t even plan on it. It just kind of happened. I just keep getting these abortions. I’m so crazy like that!”
Sheesh. So not the case.
It’s weird to be writing about this, but I’ve decided to try something new. With all of my pregnancies, I’ve kept things really quiet. I’ve followed the conventional wisdom that says not to talk about a pregnancy until the 10th or 12th week. You know. In case that thing happens. But the result of this old-school decorum is that I end up feel alone, isolated, and unsupported every time I miscarry, because nobody knows about it. And then I end up kind of confessing it to people, which is uncomfortable to announce that you were pregnant but not anymore in one breath. But I always end up telling because I feel like the people around me need to know why I’m weepy and not leaving the house for weeks at a time.
So, this time, I choose transparency. I don’t think miscarriage, or early pregnancy, needs to be something coped with under a cloak of secrecy and shame. I feel hopeful about my pregnancy, but if it doesn’t work out, the blog world (and my real world) will know about it. And maybe I will feel a little more supported, no matter what the outcome.
And, now I can shamelessly ask everyone I know to pray, pray, pray that I get to carry this baby to term. Yes, that means you. Shoot a little petition up to the Big Guy upstairs, would you? I could use it.