I went shopping for jeans the other day, and I’m still reeling by some uncomfortable revelations.

My shopping quest started because I decided it was time to venture out from my hoodie-and-yoga-pants uniform that I wear pretty much every day. I decided it was time for a little self-care. I’m still young and hip, right? I need a young and hip outfit.

I started my adventure in Urban Outfitters, and then headed over to H&M. I can count on these stores to clue me in on the latest trends, I figure. But I am disturbed by the fact that each of these stores seem to carry only one shape of jean, in varying colors. The skinny jean.

Now, I know the skinny jean is cool. I’m not living under a rock. But I know my body type. And I know that a pear shape in a skinny jean is not a pretty thing. Why would I want to emphasize my midsection and thighs with jeans that sqeeze my legs into a small taper at the bottom? I have always been a fan of the Lowrise Bootcut. The lowrise makes my waist look longer, and the bootcut makes my leg look more proportioned. Hmm, I think in dismay. I guess I need to head over to the Gap for the old standby jeans.

I wander over to the Gap, which has always been dependable in making jeans that fit me. Actually, as I perused the back of the store, I noticed it was lined with jeans for all shapes, sizes, and generations. They even still carry their “classic” jean, which is the Mom Jean of my own mother’s generation. I begin to think that perhaps the Gap should not be my fashion compass.

I leave the Gap and wander the mall again. I start to take a mental note of what people around me are wearing. I noticed that everyone under 25 is wearing skinny jeans. And I mean everyone. Anyone who looked cute, hip, and trendy had on some version of this jean.

I begin feeling the slow, sinking despair one feels when they finally crawl out of denial. Like the feeling of finding out a boyfriend is cheating. Or like reading the nutritional content of a Starbucks Frappucino.

“Oh my gosh,” I say out loud to no one in particular. “LOWRISE BOOTCUT IS THE NEW MOM JEAN!”
I take a minute for this to sink in. I have have been holding on to the lowrise bootcut for years. I’ve been clinging to this fashion like my grandma clung to polyester long after it’s time. Like my own mom clung to light denim with pleats and a 9″ zipper.

So now, I’m stuck with two options. 1) continue rocking the bootcut lowrise, the New Mom Jean, or 2) look like a stuffed sausage in a pair of skinny jeans.

Oi vay. Back to the yoga pants and hoodie for me.