Pressed Down on All Sides

Today was a hard day. I’m feeling pretty taxed in every way possible.

I am emotionally drained. Visiting Keanan is hard. It is always a relief to see how well he is cared for. But it’s also disheartening how uncomfortable he is with us. I know that it is normal, and even developmentally appropriate, that he isn’t jumping into our arms. We showed up enthusiastic, excited and smothering, and he reacted. He wanted nothing to do with us. I know that this is a GOOD THING. It shows he is bonded to his nanny. It shows he discriminates with who he gives affection. As a therapist, I know that is good. But it’s still hard. It took him a long time to warm up to us. We took him to dinner with us, and he was sad and unresponsive all evening. But then when we took him back to the orphanage, he ran around hugging every kid several times, and seemed like the happy, engaging boy we have heard about. I wish he was that boy more with us.

I am mentally drained. It is hard trying to give three kids your attention. Especially when they are each clingy in their own way: two because they are away from home in a strange place, and one because he is away from home with strange people. We are staying with the missionary couple that runs the orphanage, who we absolutely adore. But their home is a scary place for toddlers: India has been pinned to the ground by a bull mastiff puppy on two occasions (which we thought was funny but she did not), and continually falls down their tile stairs.

I am physically drained. I really cannot explain the heat here. It is immobilizing. Several times, I hve caught Mark just kind of sitting there, spaced out and staring off into the distance, not paying attention to anything. We call it a heat coma. We are soaked in sweat, all day. My daughter is the color of a tomato, just from being so hot, and we all have wet hair from being drenched in sweat. It seems like there is no escape from the heat. I seriously don’t know how people live here.

The house is asleep but I am having difficulty sleeping, with the events of today swimming in my head. Adoption is a hard thing. I am also discouraged that there seems to be very little movement on the adoption front. I don’t know when Keanan will ever come home. I’m feeling pretty sad about that tonight. I’m feeling overwhelmed all the way around, and I’m already longing to be home, but sad about leaving too.