As a transracial family in a vanilla county, we hear these kind of comments every now and then, especially from other preschool-aged kids. This week, we heard on two different occasions. No biggie: it is perfectly normal for a child of that age to notice color. I mean, they are just learning colors and pointing it out is just an observation. I am NEVER offended by children making such comments. In fact, it can open up great learning opportunities for kids to understand adoption, difference, etc.
However, one of the circumstances this week was kinda awkward. A little girl pointed to Jafta, and this was how the dialogue went:CURIOUS GIRL: Mommy, do you SEE him!?! He’s brown!MORTIFIED MOM: (clearly embarrassed) Honey, be quiet. CURIOUS GIRL: Mommy, do you see? Do you see that boy?MORTIFIED MOM: Sweetie, BE QUIET. Be quiet right now.CURIOUS GIRL: But mommy, look! He’s brown.MORTIFIED MOM: (now angrily) If you don’t stop saying that right now, I will give you a spanking.I totally get where this mom is coming from. I can imagine doing this myself, in another setting. But think for a minute what this interchange communicated to this little girl about “color difference”. What message did this well-meaning mom unintentionally send to her daughter, and to my son, who was watching the whole thing?
Avoiding the topic of race can be one of the biggest mistakes parents make in raising healthy, race-concious children. Shaming, igoring, or avoiding your child’s comments on race can send a strong message: racial difference is SO bad and SO embarrasing that we can’t even talk about it. (Kinda reminds ya of how some families deal with sex, huh?).
So how should someone react? I don’t know the perfect answer. Perhaps a Diversity Day, like on The Office? Okay, maybe not. But let me tell you about the other interchange that happened this week:
A little girl pointed to Jafta and said, “You’re so brown”. And my husband said, “Did you hear that, Jafta? Say thank you.”
And he did. With a big grin on his face.
I’ve heard stuff like that, and I’ve been on the other side, too (like the time we were at Chili’s and an AA family sat down behind us – this was before we adopted – and my son said, “Mom, they’re BLACK! I don’t like black people!”
And I was MORTIFIED! We knew we were going to adopt an AA child in the next year. I had absolutely NO idea where that came from. I think I said, “Well, I have no idea why you would say that when your preschool teacher and most of your friends are black.” I don’t know – I’m pretty sure I was having a panic attack.
When other kids make comments, I try to jump in quickly and let their parents off the hook. I don’t want them to worry or sweat it. I usually say, “Hey check this out – put your arms side by side and see how beautiful you look together – black against white. Isn’t that cool?”
I’ve the kids make contact. I’ve made it clear that it’s okay to talk about it, and I’ve said the word “black” to take the whole P.C. edge off of everything.
I love that you had him say “thank you”…that’s a beautiful response. Our little guy is only 7 months, so when people talk about his color…I respond with “yes, isn’t he beautiful?!?!?” They can’t argue with the proud mama in me! I will definitely remember to teach him to say “thank you”. I love that!
i love that jafta is so proud. in fact, the other day he commented that his outfit matched mine because it was blue too. I commented that India also had blue so in a way, we had triplet outfits. and then he said, “well not really, cause I have brown too! (pointed to his leg)” and a big smile on his face.
🙂
ok, i will admit that i’m not having a good day, i’m feeling mildly depressed and weepy, i just want to crawl in bed, etc.
but the thank you comment made me cry. in a good way. that is really beautiful.
great post, kristen.
It’s so hard when you’re on the “mouth” end of those comments though, I think it’s easier (at least for me) to be the mom of the brown kids. Of course, what’s crazy is when my brown kids shout out, “Mom, look! She’s BROWN! LIKE ME!” like they’ve never seen another black person instead of living with 4 black brothers and sisters, having black friends, etc.
You guys are good parents. Bottom line.
Great post Kristen. I remember 3 years ago when I showed my class a picture of my new nephew Jafta and one of my students said, He looks blackish.” It was a great way to start a conversation that most 1st graders may not have had.
You and Mark have such a great attitude and we are all learning a lot for you both!
Yes, we have been on the other end of it, too, and it is awful. Jafta when through a phase where he asked if every black man he saw was his birthdad. Kinda embarrassing. I always tried to act really calm and say, “nope, it’s not”. But inside I was mortified.
way to go MArk! that’s an awesome answer!
and on a slightly different note…just once in my life, i would love for someone to refer to me as “brown”…but alas, I will carry that pasty white torch forever. thanks for that one God.
Yesterday in the car my 6 year old was singing “Jesus loves the little children… red and yellow, black and white…” and asked,”Mom, are we yellow or orange?”
I love that kind of innocence. All of our colors are precious in his sight.
My husband adopted our daugther (I had her before we were married) and she is half Mexican. Now she draws herself with a brown crayon and the rest of us with a yellow crayon. Kids are just matter-of-fact like that. Sometimes she says she wishes her hair was blonde to be more like me, but I just tell her that we should always try to appreciate what we have and that I try not to envy her tan!