an open letter to criminals about our upcoming vacation

We have a summer full of family visits. My mom just left after a week stay. My sister Brooke and her family are visiting in a few weeks. The day they leave, my nephews Austin and Derek arrive for a stay. And then we fly up for a week with Mark’s brother and family. It will be a fun and full summer.

Oops. I guess you’re not supposed to say when you go on vacation on your blog. You know, in case some would-be criminals are reading and decide to rob your house while you are gone.

Well, just in case someone is tempted to burglarize our house sometime in late August to go to an undisclosed city in the northwest that launched the grunge scene and boasts a space needle, here is a disclaimer and some highlights of our valuables:

– Everything in our house is likely covered in trace amounts of breastmilk and urine.

– My laptop is missing the escape key and the right shift key. It has also had water spilled directly on the keyboard and the letter W sticks because a crumb of food is lodged under the key.

– Our television is in the living room. The tube is going out so the screen displays about five inches of white lines across the top of the picture. We’ve found that you don’t really need to see the top of most movies. The DVD player is broken, as is the VCR, though there may be an old bagel inside the VHS slot. Don’t forget to take all four remotes – you will need that many to operate the tv due to each being broken in it’s own special way.

– There are two 2nd generation ipods in the house. They are both in Jafta’s room. Neither works without being plugged in. They are primarily loaded with children’s books on tape and broadway soundtracks. I hope you like musicals.

– All of our DVD’s are in the armoire under the tv. I hope you like musicals.

– All CD’s are stored in the garage. I hope you like musicals.

– My jewelry is kept in the bedroom. There are about 12 plastic necklaces from H&M and Forever 21, and a few Mardi Gras beads that I didn’t earn the old-fashioned way.

– BACK OFF the art. It’s the only thing of (sentimental) value in my house and they are tripped with laser beams and video cameras just like in the movies. Sure, I might be lying about that. But do you really want to test me?

– The cars are in the driveway, and they are fully insured. If you get hungry, there should be enough goldfish on the floor to feed you for several days.

– The only cash in the house is in the kids’ piggy banks. But there is a special place in hell for people who steal from children.
– My husband owns several Oakley golf shirts. That’s right. They’re Oakley. And they are golf shirts. PLEASE TAKE THEM. They are in the miniscule closet in the bedroom. – If you do rob my house, at least come back to my blog and leave a comment. It’s rude not to leave a comment.