reader submissions. It is an attempt to allow people to tell their
personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the
unique issues each of us face. If you would like to submit a story to
this series, click here. Today’s guest post is by Shannon.
mother by choice.
hoping to bring another child into our family in the next few years.
What do I want you to know?
I want you to know that I don’t need
your adulation. I didn’t adopt to solve the orphan crisis, put feet to
my pro-life convictions or make any kind of political or religious
statement. I didn’t adopt because I don’t think enough married couples
are doing it. I am not a hero and my daughter is not “lucky to have
me.”
I want you to know that I don’t need your pity. I didn’t
adopt because I’ve given up on marriage or because I needed someone to
love and need me. I’ve never been under the illusion that this would be
an easy path. I am not a victim, and neither is my daughter. She is
one of the most resilient, tenacious people that I know. Maybe if you
are not also a single mom, you “don’t know how I do it.” But if you
knew your child was in foster care, I think you would do everything you
could to bring her home, no matter who happened to live (or not live) in
that home.
I want you to know that though I am not married, I am
not raising my daughter “on my own.” Unlike many single moms, I had
the luxury of making certain before I chose motherhood that my daughter
would have strong male and female role models committed to loving and
teaching her. I also have the luxury of tapping into a social support
system that continues to provide great advice, encouragement and
practical help.
I want you to know that I was scared beyond belief when I first decided to adopt as a single mom. Not just about raising a child, but also about sharing my decision with many great folks in my life who happen to have very specific views about how a family is supposed to look. I anticipated resistance, cautions and even hostility. What I got instead was unconditional love, emotional support and three adoption showers. After meeting my daughter, no one expressed concern or disapproval about how our family was formed. In fact, I have felt more loved and supported since I embarked on this journey than ever before in my life. I want you to know that if you are part of that support network for me or another single mom, you rock. We need you.
I want you to know that despite this support, I feel tremendous pressure to represent my “single mom by choice” status in new situations. If my daughter’s hair is a mess or she’s having a meltdown I worry that you’re thinking I never should have chosen to do this alone. If I’m not smiling and telling you about my wonderful life, I worry that you’re judging my family to be second-best. I know I shouldn’t care, but I do.
I want you to know that I spend my days playing Candyland, reading stories, folding laundry, trying to model self-control and compassion, loving unconditionally and wondering if it will be enough. Just like you.
I want you to know that I love my daughter ferociously and I am one hundred percent convinced that we are supposed to be a family. Though there are plenty of life choices that I regret, choosing single motherhood is not one of them.
