The comment section of an Amazon listing seems an unlikely place to find joy, and for most product listings this is probably true. However, through coordinated efforts that are beyond my understanding, there are a small number of products that people have singled out to receive a veritable concert of mockery in the review section. And the results? Are hilarious. Laugh-until-you-cry funny. And they make me very, very happy.
Phantom Amazon satire reviewers: I know making a mockery of Amazon reviews is probably a thankless task. You spend your time and creative energy for no money and little recognition. And to you, I’d like to say a heartfelt THANK YOU. Thank you for making the world a better place through sarcasm.
“For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a
banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me
to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I
had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare
hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up
squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in
anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer
introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer
consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow
fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a
musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it
in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.”
The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee
“This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth
5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic
happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover
my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was
immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my
shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl
at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that
approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give
them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they
didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t
settle for the first thing that comes to him.
I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a
drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was
browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me.
I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and
flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt,
I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her
mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out
the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’),
cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been
better if they glowed in the dark.”
Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz
“I’m a Vegan, but a closeted Tuscan Whole milk drinker…if anyone in my
commune found out, they’d banish me to the netherlads of Bacontopia, to
be ravaged by the ills of a factory farmed hell hole of a society that
you pukes wallow in…with that, I make straw purchases from unlicensed
dealers to circumvent existing codes of conduct within our commune. I do
this on the darkest nights under cover, in living fear of being caught
& judged & convicted…but it’s all because of Tuscan Whole
milk…luscious, thick, rich, creamy & brain freezing cold!!! OH
SHEVA!!! HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL!!!”
“This product doesn’t work as well as I would have hoped. I kept three
cans in a terrarium with my 4 pet turtles for two years (starting when
they were 11). Today, while they are definitely teenagers, they
completely lack the following:
-Any kind of karate skills
-Prounounced valley accent
-Tendency to fight crime
-Dislike of my paper shredder
There may have been an effect, however, as three of my turtles now seem
to enjoy pizza.”
Looking For-Best of David Hasselhoff
“There is little doubt now that David Husselshaft is a major force in
the music business these days. I’ve already been a fan for many years,
but an amazing thing happened recently which I have to share. The doctor
said my dog Cherish had only days to live. Desperate for any sign of
recovery, I played this CD in the garage for him 24/7, and not only did
my dog die, but so did 2 cats and all of my plants. My neighbor came
down with a rare form of stomach virus, the one causes massive cramping
and explosive diarrhea. Boy did I prove that doctor wrong!
The song “Hot Shot City” is particularly good.”
Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk
“Wow is this thing great! I use it as a “mini-bar” when the friends and I
go out to the bars. I can quickly fix multiple shots of tequila for
myself and the friends as we drive from one bar to the next. We also
discovered that if you place a pillow on top of it and turn on the
cruise control you can catch quick naps on the interstate. If you swerve
to the left or right the rumble strips on the road wake you up in
plenty of time before you get into trouble. I can now take longer trips
without being tired!”
Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable
“Transmission of music data at rates faster than the speed of light
seemed convenient, until I realized I was hearing the music before I
actually wanted to play it. Apparently Denon forgot how accustomed most
of us are to unidirectional time and the general laws of physics. I
tried to get used to this effect but hearing songs play before I even
realized I was in the mood for them just really screwed up my
preconceptions of choice and free will. I’m still having a major
existential hangover.
Would not purchase again.”
IC Cristal Stic Ball Pen, Medium Point , 1.0 mm, Black, 12 Pens (MS11-Blk)
Sunlight dancing off crystal angles.
Protective cap glistens, silky, substantial.
“I am taking a Spanish class and saw this pen in a store with packaging
both in English and Spanish. Since I had to write a short essay in
Spanish and I only speak English, I thought that this pen was perfect.
But I tried to save some money by buying these on line. Notice that this
packaging is only in English. I started writing my essay but it only
came out in English (which will work for most people). But I needed the
bilingual pen. ‘Very disappointed.”
How to Avoid Huge Ships
“Read this book before going on vacation and I couldn’t find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined.”
Playmobil
Security Checkpoint
“I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the
functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the
passenger’s shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail
file underneath the passenger’s scarf, and neither the detector doorway
nor the security wand picked it up. My son said “that’s the worst
security ever!”. But it turned out to be okay, because when the
passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was
mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor
injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital.
The best thing about this product is that it teaches kids about the
realities of living in a high-surveillence society. My son said he wants
the Playmobil Neighborhood Surveillence System set for Christmas. I’ve
heard that the CC TV cameras on that thing are pretty worthless in terms
of quality and motion detection, so I think I’ll get him the Playmobil
Abu-Gharib Interogation Set instead (it comes with a cute little memo
from George Bush).”
