reader submissions. It is an attempt to allow people to tell their
personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the
unique issues each of us face. If you would like to submit a story to
this series, click here. Today’s guest posts is by Heather H.
entire life I was told to get married and then have children. I
assumed that’s how my future would unfold, especially since I focused
more on my education and my career than men. Don’t get me wrong. I did
date. A lot. I just didn’t settle down and perhaps hit the snooze button
on my biological clock.
When some of my friends had children without rings
on their fingers, I thought marriage, like a magic wand, would make
their problems disappear. I didn’t take into account the logistics
needed to get to the altar. At the time, I didn’t think I was pushing
my agenda down their throats or judging their decision-making skills. I
thought I was being a good friend by giving what I thought to be good
Like the saying goes, you have to walk a mile in
someone’s shoes before you can judge them. So when I got pregnant by my
boyfriend of nearly three yeas, I got a pair of size nine’s (flats not
heels, because by the third trimester, my ankles were swollen!) I still
wanted to get married. I wanted to ignore the red flags and walk down
the aisle clutching a bouquet full of doubts. I didn’t want to change
or put in additional work. Heck, I was already exhausted, and my iron
level dropped daily. I loved the father, and that’s all that mattered,
right? Wrong! We broke up during my second trimester. Well, actually, I
got dumped”…over the phone. Last week, he married someone else.
many months and many tears, I realized that what may be “ideal” isn’t
always realistic. Sometimes you have to make the best out of your
situation, even if that means parenting under different roofs and maybe
marrying someone else. I had days when I cried, cursed and screamed. I
had weeks when I went on and on about my daughter’s father, trying to
figure out why he wasn’t the person I wanted him to be and vice versa. I
had months feeling as though someone stabbed me in my heart. I also
had family and friends who listened, but only to a certain extent. They
wouldn’t RSVP to my pity party. They told me the truth even if it
opposed my rant of the day. They repeated that I was an excellent
mother, a beautiful woman and a child of God.
I had to forgive my daughter’s father. And not that, “I forgive you,
but I’ll never forget” nonsense, but true forgiveness. The thing about
forgiveness is it’s selfish. Doesn’t seem like it, right? But you’re
not doing the other person a favor. You’re the one who heals. You’re
no longer angry, bitter, confused, depressed, exhausted, furious””you
get the point. I can probably come up with an adjective for every letter
of the alphabet. Do you still get upset after you forgive someone? Of
course you can! But it no longer consumes you. You learn to let ago.
I refuse to be one of those women who never gets over an ex.
don’t just forgive the other person. Forgive yourself! For a long
time, I felt embarrassed about not being engaged. I didn’t announce my
breakup to anyone other than close friends and family members. I would
even hide my ring finger at the grocery store to avoid dirty looks from
the people in the frozen food section, I guess. It sounds silly now
that I think about it!
I also felt guilty for moving to another
state and not raising our daughter in the traditional two-parent home I
experienced. (Well, that’s no longer tradition. I’m only one of 13.6
million single parents in the U.S.) Then, I compared myself to the
other woman and wondered why she got a rock and I didn’t. I wanted to
call her, email her or Facebook stalk her. But I didn’t. How would
that change the past? It would hinder my future. I would become
vindictive or envious””both words never used to describe me. I realized
it didn’t matter if I am better than her, prettier than her, smarter
than her or the other way around. In fact, no one is “better” than
another human being. It’s about personal preference. My father once
told me that love isn’t about a person’s positive characteristics. It’s
about the negative ones you can tolerate. Do you love someone enough
to see their flaws as beauty marks? Sometimes life doesn’t work out the
way you anticipated. And sometimes, it may even give you more than you
ever hoped, dreamed or imagined.
asked me, “Why are you so afraid of letting go of something which will
be replaced with so much more?” Please note, this question was posed
years before and not in reference to this subject. Recently, I
remembered that conversation. Not in the sense that another man is much
more, but in the sense that you must let go of the past and trust God to
free up space for something/someone else in your future.
of feeling sorry for myself, I use my energy to focus on my baby. In
the big picture, she is what matters most. I am charged with loving
her, guiding her, caring for her and protecting her. That allowed me to
get over not having an “ideal” life. I even wonder: who says my life
isn’t ideal? I’m happy, healthy and blessed to be a mother. My friends
and family didn’t judge me, and more importantly, neither did God.
After all, He forgave me. It wouldn’t make sense to condemn myself.
This is my truth. Although my ex and I are no longer good for each
other, we are good for our daughter. My situation isn’t perfect, but
the result””my little girl””is.