what I want you to know: being a widow

What I Want You to Know is a series of reader submissions.  It is an attempt to allow people to tell their personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the unique issues each of us face.  If you would like to submit a story, email me.  The author of today’s post wished to remain anonymous.
  Being a Widow really sucks. I’ve only been a widow for 62 days, but who’s counting. Did I ever think I would be a widow? Heck NO. Did I ever think I would be raising two small kids on my own? Nope. I relive that day over and over again, I received a call from a friend at work that my husband had been in an accident and to come to the hospital. I rushed to my car and started the drive, but thinking that he must be okay. I even planned what I would say to him, “Are you trying to get me out of work?”. Then I received a call from the hospital social worker, she wanted to make sure I knew that my husband had been in an accident. I remember weakly saying, “Is he okay?”. Her response was “It’s critical”. Then I knew… I knew that either he was dead or he would soon be. By that point I could barely drive and was sobbing without tears, strange to sob without tears. By the time I made it to my brother in laws house I was shaking all over. He drove me to the hospital and I was quickly rushed to “the room” and that is when I bent over and started say "no" over and over again between sobs. I knew. The doctor came in and told me he did everything he could, I thought ER doctors were immune but he wasn’t, he was even crying. The rest was a blur, telling my children, funeral arrangements, gathering family photos, and talking to family and friends and strangers that just wouldn’t stop calling or coming to the house. I was overwhelmed, lost and devastated. I remember one night pacing the house because I couldn’t sleep and finally just collapsing on the floor. This was not my plan, this is why I had chosen a good husband and father, so I would never have to do this alone. Now, 62 days later I’m doing better. I’ve come to realize that I can do it. I don’t like doing it alone and I miss my husband so much. But I can do it. There are good days and bad days. I can never predict what will bring me to tears, sometimes it’s a memory, sometimes it’s his favorite tea, sometimes it’s because I wanted to call and tell him about something funny that happened at work. What I can’t take is listening to my children talk about their dad and to see the sadness in their eyes. It’s devastating to think they will never have their dad at their school play, at their graduation, at their wedding, at the birth of their children and many more memorable events in their life. They are only left with a memory of their dad, I can deal with the loss of my husband, they should not have to deal with the loss of their dad. As for me, I want to be happy, and yes I do want to get married again. I’m only 38 years old. Yesterday, my daughter asked me if I was still married.  I said "technically, no”.  I’ve had the hardest time with the fact that "just like that" I’m no longer married.  Even getting a divorce takes time and effort but in a split second… I’m no longer married.  All I’m left with is a death certificate and his wedding ring. Yes, I’m a widow, I’m getting use to it.