Hi, my name is Kristen, and I feel conflicted about youth sports.
Anyone else?
Full disclosure . . . I didn’t grow up in a sports-playing household. My sisters and I were all very into the arts. We were choir and theater geeks. And my dad was more likely to watch ballroom dancing on a Saturday then he was to watch a football game. We were more familiar with chord charts than soccer cleats. We are an artsy farts he family through and through, so the kids sports landscape is new to me.
That being said: I’M OVER IT. I’m feeling that particularly today, after a Father’s Day completely hijacked by two basketball games.
We have been fairly casual when it comes to sports and our kids, doing classes or camps here and there and letting them play on occasional teams that didn’t require a lot of commitment. However, they have been putting the pressure on us to play in a more serious basketball league. A couple of their friends are doing it, and I figured, at 9 and 11, this is not a whim, and actually something they want us to take seriously. I appreciate that I have two kids who wants to be active and athletic. I appreciate that they would prefer to spend their weekends playing a sport over playing a video game. And I appreciate that they see the value in pushing themselves forward in something they like doing. I wanted to reword all of that. So we signed up for the basketball league, not really realizing what it entailed.
What it entails, basically, is robbing us of a family dinner twice a week, and our ability to attend a church as a family on Sundays. They have practices twice a week at dinnertime and they have not one but TWO games every weekend. Which, in my book, feels like a pretty big sacrifice. And this is with both of the boys being on the same team! I forced poor Kembe to “play up” the league, so he is a 3rd grader playing on a 5th and 6th grade team. Now, he is athletic enough that he can keep up, and tall enough that no one is the wiser at his age difference. In fact, even at 2 -3 years younger, he is still one of the taller kids on the team. But had I not done this, I can’t even imagine the chaos it would wreak on our family. Having them onto separate teams would mean they could be out for practice collectively four different nights a week, and then we would have four games on a Sunday instead of two.
I was expressing my concerns to a more seasoned mom, who told me that I should count my blessings, because “this is nothing” and “club basketball is even worse.” Apparently, in that case, they would be playing even more games that weekend, sometimes traveling to do so, and have practice nearly every day. What in the world? I do not remember sports being this intense when I was a kid. Especially for kids of this age.
And this is where I feel so conflict. A part of me wants to pull them out and reclaim our family time. They are still young, and it is still a huge value for me to attend church together, and eat dinner as a family when we can. I feel like we will have plenty of years down the road when our evenings are hijacked by school sports. Do I really need to engage them at this level so early?
But then, there is the fact that there are so many parents who ARE engaging their kids at this level. And I can already see the difference. We have been really casual with sports, and the skill level is noticeable. My boys have some natural ability but it doesn’t bridge the gap with these kids who’ve been playing at this intense of a pace for the last three or four years. And that skill disparity is only going to widen if I don’t keep them in sports.
Now, I’ve also always been the mom who just doesn’t really care that her kids are sports stars. I’m quite fine being a B+ family when it comes to extracurricular activities. When parents talk about their 2nd graders’ “future in sports” or private coaching or what they need to do to get a scholarship my eyes are rolling back into my head, because LET THEM BE KIDS and also, there are other things I want to emphasize for their futures. But the thing is . . . my kids care. I haven’t wanted to push them into needing to be an all-star at something, but they very much have set these goals for themselves. They feel good about sports. It promotes their self-esteem. It feels like something they can master. And THEY want to be the best.
So, I am left with these conflicting values, between our family life and wanting to encourage my kids in following their passions. And I’m not sure how to have both.
I am curious to hear from other parents. How do you handle this tension? Have you been able to find sports opportunities that are less intense? Do you worry about your kids falling behind if you don’t keep them involved?
Not conflicted at all. Team sports are not developmentally appropriate until middle school age. Those kids that are stars now, we mostly be burnt out by the time they are muture enough to get the benefits of a team sport. They need to be playing self directed, including rule making, in elementary school.
I have two boys ages 5 and 7. This was the first year we did a real team sport besides little camps and clinics. The level of intensity and skill really suprised me- at age 6-8!! I do think we have taken sports to a whole other level since I was a child. I know people that pay thousands of dollars for club teams just to be on the team- not including cost of equipment and travel. Parents will now pay for their child of average ability to have intensive coaching on the side. I sat next to a high school coach on the plane and he said high school sports are hurting because everyone does travel instead. It will be interesting to see long term how children respond to this. Maybe there is hope our kids can play varsity in high school now! Not sure what to do about it either:(
Would the boys be okay doing private lessons to enhance their skills? We have opted out of club seasons and just concentrated on lessons and camps through college coaches. We schedule lessons on days/times that are convient for us and picked camps on weekends that work for us. It has allowed my girls to get better without sacrificing family time.
I'm from a sports family with 4 kids so I get it. By the time I was in high school we'd eat at 4 so that we could have dinner together. Weekends were for travel games. And sometimes it sucked. I had to follow my brother's team to Maine for the weekend despite the fact I had to study for finals. Still making the high school team, having a shot at a scholarship, being part of the athlete class in high school… These all make a difference, especially in American schools. I'm sorry but it's only likely to get worse as they get older. Good luck 🙂
Hey, Steph Curry's parents didn't let him or any of his siblings start seriously playing sports until they were in middle school. I'm preparing to use that anecdote when my kids ask us to sacrifice our family time for sports!
My 8 (almost 9) year old is a baseball Ayer. We have been playing pretty much 15 hours a week since August. Between little league and pony league we are now traveling. The traveling as you know comes out of our own pocket, and let me tell you we live on Maui. So traveling isn't driving to LA from San Diego, it always involves a plane ticket. The appeal is fun however I can relate to the family time we often miss. So I get creative. Family meals often happen at the field, al la picnic style. We also try to multitask before or after the games. It's not ideal but we make the best of it. Part of family time (for us) is cheering on the ones we love. I myself was an artsy kids (marching band/drama) and my mom reminded me that she was doing the same thing I am doing now. Driving to endless rehearsals, endless football games (every weekend), and tournaments. And she wouldn't trade any of it because it was fun, social, and something we did together. Good luck!
The struggle is real –I feel your pain. In our case the games/practices have become a time when our family bonds the most. For us the positives (better behavior and general happiness) out weighs everything else.
Sports, as I grew up, meant a twice a week and a single game on a Saturday with Dairy Queen after. The rest of the weekend was with friends and outdoor play. Family was first, dinner was something to look forward to and my health was balanced. I do agree with sports and team play being an important factor today but I don’t agree with “club” sports, travel sports or anything that involves an entire weekend at softball games. Kids don’t consider sports “play time”. I live in a town where the coaches schedule a three day 12 year old softball tournament on a 4th of July weekend. What a crock, and last year, after my daughter played 5 games on a Sunday 2 hours from our home to eventually win the tournament, the parents thought it would be great to go out to dinner as well. WTF? You mean after we’ve sacraficed our entire weekend and now on Sunday night at 7pm with the sun going down, I’m going to blow $50 on dinner and then drive home…
All overkill and unnecessary, I encourage sport parents to stop allowing the coaches and leagues to continue the business of our kids being in sports. Don’t be afraid to speak up and start pushing back, our kids will be just fine doing other things and playing a game a week.
Dad of four girls in club sports for the past 6 years…exhausted and now sour:( have a great week to all:)