That happened earlier this week in the course of an afternoon, and I want to share it here for the sake of those other moms who watch along on instagram or pinterest and feel like every other mother has it together but them. One of the values I’ve always held, as a content creator on this whole social media circuit, is to never present having a perfect life. I don’t have it all together, and it does’t do anyone any good to pretend that I do.
On Monday, I picked the kids up to school and was informed that my oldest had to stay home from a pretty major field-trip because I had failed to sign a permission slip. Now, don’t get me started on permission slips. I fail to understand why I can’t sign one blanket one at the beginning of the year, or why these can’t be sent electronically instead of it hinging on me fishing them out from a messy backpack. But nonetheless, I missed one, and the result is that my kid missed out. I felt terrible.
The guilt of that situation send me searching through every child’s backpack, where I found, in another child’s bag, a notice that we were overdue on their lunch payments. BY A LOT. Again, just an oversight that is easily corrected, but still . . . it made me feel embarrassed and irresponsible. Like I’m the mom who can’t keep it together.
Almost simultaneously, the drum teacher showed up, and he sent the kids looking for their drum folders, which were no where to be found. Which highlighted the fact that 1) our house is a disorganized mess, and 2) the kids had not practiced since last week’s lesson. He was clearly annoyed with our lack of concern, and once again, I was embarrassed and feeling like a failure. I could come up with a million excuses for why this particular week was so crazy and hectic, but here’s the truth: EVERY week is crazy and hectic.
As a working mom, there is very little (if any) room for error or variation from the norm. I already have more on my plate than is probably realistic with four children – I have a full-time job, and I’m trying to manage a remodel that has gone off the rails. If everything worked out exactly as planned in any given day, I still probably wouldn’t have enough time to do everything, but I could manage. However, then there are the weeks (or months) when a volcano of chaos crops up, and things just pile up and fall down and life becomes insane. And some things fall through the cracks.
The problem, when that happens, is as much mental as it is anything. I can very quickly turn to negative thoughts and catastrophizing. I’m a terrible mom. I’m doing everything wrong. I am failing everyone around me. It takes some serious reframing on my part to get myself back to a healthy place, where I can acknowledge that I’m doing my best, that my kids are happy and well care-for, and that making mistakes is a part of being a human being.
I’m trying to be more diligent in searching for those pesky permission slips. I’m creating a new system for the drum folders. I’m pre-paying for school lunches through the end of the year. But I’m also trying to be a little gentler with myself.
If you are a parent, do you have moments that push you into feeling a spiral of failure? What are some of those circumstances for you? And when you land in that place, how do you get yourself out?
Yes. This is life.
I could have written this, but sub "forgot to show up for kindergartener's Suzuki violin master class so she didn't get to earn her twinkle certificate" for lost drum folders. Although I know I'm not the only one, it is really nice to hear it from another mom. I am about out of excuses beyond "I'm that mom with no margin in her life to maintain everyday life" – and I'm learning to be okay with that. But it's a challenge each time I completely humiliate myself or let one of my kids down. You're not alone Kristen – and thanks for reminding me that I'm not either!
Oh, this is sooo our life, and soo me! We got so far behind on my oldest daughters lunch account that the lunchroom cashier gave her a form for free lunch. She was mortified. I thought it was funny, but too many times it's hard for me to laugh it off. Thank you for sharing this!!!!
Consider that you do not have to hold the responsibility for everything. It is our responsibility to support our children and it is their responsibility to communicate what they need. Your child knew he had a field trip and he knew that he needed a permission slip. The teacher does not sneak it into the backpack and just hope that the parents well look for it. It is his responsibility, not your responsibility. Had you said that he gave it to you and that you had done nothing with it, that would be another situation. As for the lunch money, again the good service worker tells your child that they need more money. Your child is responsible for telling you. Do not pour more pressure on yourself. Push your children to be your partners.
Respectfully,
A widowed single mother of 4
Thanks for writing this. I feel less alone after a busy week. I felt good about myself this week because my husband and I kept our 5 year old grandson, on Spring Break, while working full-time as youth pastors. Each day he got a good mix of sleep, nutrition, love, learning and fun. But 4 days in we were exhausted. Day 5 we sat around in our pjs til 3 pm and I gave him back to his mom a day early. Next day we are still exhausted and our house is a wreck. I felt like grandparent of the year while he was eith us (and mother of the year for helping out our single, working daughter with child care). Now I feel like a wimp who can't work, clean and keep a kid. Bluck!
Thanks for writing this. I feel less alone after a busy week. I felt good about myself this week because my husband and I kept our 5 year old grandson, on Spring Break, while working full-time as youth pastors. Each day he got a good mix of sleep, nutrition, love, learning and fun. But 4 days in we were exhausted. Day 5 we sat around in our pjs til 3 pm and I gave him back to his mom a day early. Next day we are still exhausted and our house is a wreck. I felt like grandparent of the year while he was eith us (and mother of the year for helping out our single, working daughter with child care). Now I feel like a wimp who can't work, clean and keep a kid. Bluck!
Have you though of making your kids responsible for emptying their backpacks everyday as soon as they get home? My son's first job is to take everything out. We have a bin for papers and if it is important enough he hands the permission slip etc to me. If he doesn't take them out of his backpack, he misses out. At 8 he is old enough to take some responsibility so it isn't all on me. I think Delegating is hard but essential for our sanity and for the kids to learn responsibilty.
I'm a 1st grade teacher and a mom of 1. As teachers, we too wish we could do a blanket one at the beginning of the year, but we sadly have to cover ourselves. Even doing a fun, educational class activity where we invite a 3rd party in can lead to parents being upset if we don't lay everything out. I've been guilty of not getting my daughter's things signed and turned back in, so I get that – yet I still get frustrated when I can't turn in my papers to the office until I have 100% because of 1 or 2 parents (even though I've been that parent). As for field trip permissions, if I'm missing any the week before (we send ours home 3 weeks early do lunch can be ordered for Rhodes needing it), I'd call and email the parent and get confirmation that way so the child can come. Yes, I tell my 1st graders they are responsible for remembering their school stuff, but we all know we all forget things sometimes.
As for checking the backpack, teacher pet peeve (esp when a parent contacts me and asks for info on something that if they'd check the backpack they'd know), as a parent, I'm awful at checking them.