I can’t even count the number of times a person has mentioned to me that they had “always thought about adopting” but never got around to it. I’ve also got several friends whose family plan always involved adoption, but who started with biological children and then found themselves feeling like their family was full. Many people consider adoption, but few go through with it. Adoption isn’t for everyone, but there are still so many children (especially in the US fostercare system) who need a loving family, and who would benefit if more of the people who felt a tug to adopt followed through with that impulse. With that in mind, I’m going to lay a case for why people who think “I want to adopt someday” should make adoption their first choice when they begin planning a family: Your child will know that they were your first choice. I think this is the most compelling reason. It seems to be that for people who adopt for reasons other than infertility, there is a typical mindset of “I’d like to have my own kids first and then adopt.” Those who are already parenting adopted children know full well that they absolutely are your own children. I love that I can tell my oldest, who was adopted, “You made me a mom.” I think it means a lot to him that his adoption was not an afterthought or a thing we did after having “our own kids” first. His role as the oldest child affirms that he was wanted, and that his adoption was our first choice. You will have the time and energy to devote to bonding with your child and any unique needs they have. This is particularly true if adopting a child who has spent time in an orphanage or who has experienced neglect, abuse, trauma, or loss (which is the case for most children not adopted right at infancy.) Adopted children sometimes have attachment issues that require and deserve undivided attention. This is much easier to do when you don’t have other children. It’s also much easier to go through the healing process with your child without worrying about how this shift in attention is affecting your other children. 
Your ideas about family planning can shift based on what you learn as an adoptive parent. I’ve seen many families have a couple biological kids, and then adopt a child of another race, and then feel that they could no longer add another child to the family due to family size, which means their family portraits look like a sea of matching faces and one child who looks different. Adopting first means that you can be more sensitive to how you build the rest of your family, which in most cases should involve planning to adopt one or more siblings who share their race if you’ve adopted transracially. I cannot emphasize how important this is. Our plan was always to adopt more than one child, but because the process of adopting from Haiti took over three years, we ended up having a singular child of color with two white siblings for much longer than we anticipated. This really bothered our oldest child. He was incredibly relieved to have a sibling who “matches” him. When you adopt first, you can adjust your family planning as you understand the needs of your adopted child. Because this kind of family photo: ![family closeup best (Medium)[3]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-0L8U3qsVhYg/VkD2pyODCvI/AAAAAAAAxPc/jjf40zdMuCY/s1600-h/family%252520closeup%252520best%252520%252528Medium%252529%25255B3%25255D%25255B2%25255D.jpg "family closeup best (Medium)[3]")
Is a lot better than this kind of family photo: ![family best[12]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-W0hhVqt5eEk/VkD2rQ1oUMI/AAAAAAAAxPo/L6ImDQbaMKs/s1600-h/family%252520best%25255B12%25255D%25255B11%25255D.jpg "family best[12]")
You have more time to deal with the paperwork and homestudy inherent in adoption. Adoption paperwork is no joke, no matter where you are adopting from. Sitting in homestudy interviews, gathering all of your life’s documents, getting fingerprints and psych evals . . . all of that is a whole lot easier as a childless couple. You aren’t bound by the room-sharing rules of a homestudy or foster care. I have a good friend who always had it on her heart to adopt a foster child, and was told when she began the process that her home could not work because there were not enough bedrooms. This is because DCFS has rather strict rules about what children can share rooms. If you adopt first and then add biological children after the adoption is finalized, there is a lot more flexibility.especially in terms of siblings sharing a room, or parents having a newborn sleep in their own room. Your adopted child will get to be the “big sister” or “big brother” if you have biological children. I’m not sure I can even articulate why this is special, but I really think it is. I love that my adopted son got to experience going to the hospital to meet his younger sister. I love that my adopted kids protect and assist their little sisters. This order, again, just signifies that their role in the family is important. At the end of the day, I think the advantage of adopting first means that an adopted child’s needs are better prioritized within the family. They aren’t an afterthought. They are the first option, and that communicates a lot about their place in the family.
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Wow. Poor Kembe…
I see a lot of great points in this and (obviously) we here at Due to Extenuating Circumstances are really pro adoption. I'm disappointed that you say one family's photo is a lot better than another's. We, white parents, can only adopt one child. Should we have waited to get one that matches? Should we say a family is unbalanced solely on the merits of skin color? My husband is the only Canadian, I'm the only one with a visible disability, our son is the only brown one. Sometimes mismatched people come together to make their own perfect matches.
I couldn't agree more. We talked about adoption before we were even married and of course thought "we will have a couple biological and then adopt". I'm SO glad God had other plans. Infertility lead us to adopting first and it has been LIFE changing for my husband and I. We could not imagine our lives differently. It has set the tone for our family and i know it will mean so much to our two children down the road (2 1/2 and 10 months). We honestly felt like adoption was what we were meant for and we had started discussions about adoption #3 when I found out I was pregnant. Now at 8 months along, I can't believe the number ignorant people who keep telling me "just wait till you have your own". These are people who know nothing of adoption and don't have any clue that I'm actually worried about being able to bond with my biological child because it is something I have never experienced. I'm excited to have this opportunity to have both children through adoption and biology so I can be a voice that shouts "the love is the same!" My kids know this but the rest of the world seems pretty clueless and they are missing out BIG TIME!
Oh and if there is a baby #4 it will be through adoption because while both #1 and #2 are biracial, only our daughter has brown skin, our son is quite light like us and now #3 will be light skinned as well. This has created a TON of issues for me internally but I am trying not to be reactive and instead wait, pray, and seek wisdom about the future of our family.
I couldn't agree more. We talked about adoption before we were even married and of course thought "we will have a couple biological and then adopt". I'm SO glad God had other plans. Infertility lead us to adopting first and it has been LIFE changing for my husband and I. We could not imagine our lives differently. It has set the tone for our family and i know it will mean so much to our two children down the road (2 1/2 and 10 months). We honestly felt like adoption was what we were meant for and we had started discussions about adoption #3 when I found out I was pregnant. Now at 8 months along, I can't believe the number ignorant people who keep telling me "just wait till you have your own". These are people who know nothing of adoption and don't have any clue that I'm actually worried about being able to bond with my biological child because it is something I have never experienced. I'm excited to have this opportunity to have both children through adoption and biology so I can be a voice that shouts "the love is the same!" My kids know this but the rest of the world seems pretty clueless and they are missing out BIG TIME!
Oh and if there is a baby #4 it will be through adoption because while both #1 and #2 are biracial, only our daughter has brown skin, our son is quite light like us and now #3 will be light skinned as well. This has created a TON of issues for me internally but I am trying not to be reactive and instead wait, pray, and seek wisdom about the future of our family.
Hm, I'm not really sure what to do with this. Currently I have 3 biological children, and we're talking of adopting from China. While you made some great arguments for adopting first, you also did a great job of discouraging me to adopt at all. We probably only will adopt one. She will be the youngest. She will look different from us all. All I've known is how great adoption is and now you tell me your family will look better than mine? I already have kids, so any ideal adoption situation is screwed over for us? I don't mean to sound rude, but help me out here. Those of us entering the adoption process need help, support, love. Especially from those who have walked this journey. You provided none of those things here.
Um, we adopted second, a singular child of color, and that's just who our family is. Please don't judge.
I totally agree with this! We have four older adopted children and a younger biological child and it's important that he was the one who joined in and not the other way around. The "kids of our own" thing bugs me because adopted children ARE your own and should never be made to feel differently!