What I Want You to Know is a series of
reader submissions. It is an attempt to allow people to tell their
personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the
unique issues each of us face. If you would like to submit a story to
this series,
click here. Today’s guest posts is by an anonymous reader.

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I chose adoption for my child a while ago. During the pregnancy, I
completely let the adoptive family in, I loved them to pieces. However, I
chose to parent my child. Since parenting, I have experienced some very
hurtful things from people. I have received some very ill emails, hate
emails, and basic hate mail from people because of my decision. I
endured some severe post partum depression and anxiety based on the fact
of how much I loved the parents that I had picked out.

Everyone always
says hurtful things that I broke their heart. I am tired of being
attacked by people for hurting someone else. I did not intend on hurting
anyone. I want people to know that everyone has feelings.

I completely
miss the relationship that I had with the family I picked out for my
child and hurt for them all the time. I went to a counselor and even had
to be put on medicine. I would have vivid dreams that I gave birth to
another child just to give it to them. It has NOT been an easy road for
me since then.

I am the most kind hearted person, with no ill intentions
in choosing to parent my child. I just don’t know why people judge me.
Yes, all of my kids have different fathers, but that does not make me a
bad person. Life has thrown me some tough obstacles, but nobody
understands that. I am just a bad mother to them (yes, this has been
said) and don’t deserve my children & definitely didn’t deserve the
one I was going to place.

I am not anti-adoption by any means, it is meant for some people and it can be a great thing. I just ask that people that have
no idea what all a person is going through to have some compassion. This
world is tough and I would have given my right arm to have someone give
me props beside the anti-adoption world that what I did was the best
for me and that everything would be okay.

Recently, I found out the
family I chose is adopting again. The first thing I did was cry. I don’t
want them hurt ever again the way I hurt them. I want to just be there
and I can’t. It sucks. I just pray that the other woman who picked them
does what’s best for her and her child. But, in the back of my mind, I
absolutely can’t sleep thinking about them every minute of every day.
Hoping that things go in their favor. I love them and always will, no
matter if I am not a person in their life anymore. It just hurts how I
feel. I wish more people would be understanding.