On Thursdays I post something from the vault. This was originally posted in October of 2008.
Most women who have any sort of fertility issues have heard this statement before:
“Just adopt, and then you’ll get pregnant.”
I get this one a lot. Especially since it pretty much happened that way. And now here we are, adopting and expecting again, too. So I get why people say it. It’s one of those things people just kind of say. A conversation piece, I guess.
Now, if you are reading this and you’ve said this to me, don’t worry. You are not alone or a bad person. Someone says this to me a couple times a week. Seriously. I’m not wanting to single anyone out to run a guilt trip. I know it’s not said with ill intent. But to be candid. . .
This statement always makes me bristle a little bit. In part because I know that most people stuggling with infertility will not get pregnant after adopting. Statistically, it happens to a very small few of us.
Maybe it bugs me because I always wanted to adopt first. Mark was more keen on trying the old fashioned way first. I was ready for the homestudy well before I was ready to say goodbye to the pill. But I deferred to Mark. Because I am such a submissive wife.
Okay, stop laughing at me. I did submit. This one time.
But seriously, the reason this little cliche bothers me the most is that it could imply that pregnancy is a prize or consolation for having adopted. Like adoption is a means to an end. That maybe if you do it you could then get to have your own child.
(Okay. Another pet peeve. An adopted child is your own child.)
India was not the “prize” for having adopted Jafta. Jafta is the prize for having adopted Jafta.
So I suggest that we do away with this little statement altogether. That we let it fly away on the wind with other statements you should never say to adoptive parents. Like “are those your real kids?” or “how much did he cost?”. Or my favorite, when I was asked if I run a daycare from my home.
So for people considering adoption:
If you adopt, then you will be a real parent.
If you adopt, then you will be abundantly blessed with a child.